TUB OF BUTTER

Table left unattended by breakfasters for a two shakes of a lab's tail.

BEFORE:
Full 7oz/200g tub of salted butter. Lid off. On breakfast table. Top quality butter (according to the packaging), made in Brazil by Davaca (literally'Of the Cow').

AFTER:
Totally empty plastic tub, every corner licked clean. Under table. It took us a while to locate the tub, after thinking that the butter had mysteriously vanished and that it could not possibly have been Mel's doing. Mel's involvement was fully confirmed an hour later when I found a pool of top quality butter vomitus on the veranda.

CD CASE

Mel's in the red. Physiologically, she's a pup no more. It's her red-letter days, she is, what I believe is known in dog terms as 'on heat'. This being the case, we have to be VERY careful. Under no circumstances is a male dog to be allowed anywhere near Mel. Under no circumstances do we want her to lose her doggy cherry until her second or third 'heat' period. Mel still has a lot of growing up to do - she's not ready for adulthood yet!

So, last weekend, instead of staying in the neighbourhood, we decided to take Mel to a remote beach 30 km away so she could have a run and a swim with no other dogs around for us to fight off. This involved a car ride, and as you know, Mel LOVES cars...

BEFORE:
Shiny black zip-up cd case, bulging with "cool car ride to the beach music". Placed carelessly under the front seat.

AFTER:
Shiny, black, zip-less cd case with a few custom bite marks (front and back). The cool beach ride music was saved just in time.

ELECTRICAL WIRE

BEFORE:
5 inch piece of electrical wire, coated in protective plastic. Straight. Yellow. Carelessly left on the veranda after electrician spent the day installing some groovy outdoor lighting.

AFTER:
5 inch piece of 'naked' wire, uncoated. No yellow plastic in sight. The wire is now curled and twirled.
Ahem, before you fly over and come knocking on my door, I should point out that the real 'AFTER' section reads thus:

AFTER:
As 'BEFORE'. You didn't really think I'm the kind of owner who leaves a puppy unattended with a piece of WIRE?!!?

FRESH COCONUT

BEFORE:
A large (football sized) recently dropped from the tree, fresh green coconut. Neatly sliced open with a machete by Mel's loving, caring owner, (who has decided to forgive all Mel's previous misdemeanors). Lying on the ground on the beach in two halves, each filled with delicious, clear, sweet water and lush white coconut pulp. The scene is completed by the warm ocean, appearing slightly out of focus in the background, the gentle swish of the wind through the coconut palms, the hot tropical winter sun shining down, a dolphin gliding seamlessly through the big blue on the horizon... a true tropical paradise...
But I'm getting carried away! Gentle swish? Tropical Paradise? With Mel on the beach?

AFTER:
Coconut totally dessimated (or should that be dessicated), now in muddy shreds spread and stuck, with the aid of Mel's dribble, over the sarongs of three tourists (they did not take too kindly to Mel's apparent suggestion that strangers are just friends you haven't met yet). Impossible to identify as a coconut to the untrained eye.

GEARSTICK

BEFORE:
The gearstick ('stick shift', for my American buddies) in my car. Implement for moving smoothly between the five gears of my less than a year old, recently valeted, soon to be offered for sale, spotlessly clean Fiat Mille Flex.

AFTER:
Gearstick with a wee bite mark. Door of car was left slighlty ajar when I was doing a spot of gardening next to the place where I park. Mel managed to push the car door open with her nose and get in. She stayed in the car for about 30 minutes, checking out each seat, but spending most of her time in the driver's seat. She's usually banished to the boot (That's'trunk' for the yanks out there) and has no doubt been keen to Access All Areas for a while now. She must have been especially looking forward to trying that big black shiny plastic thing and find out if it tastes anything like a wooden spoon. Doh!

PLASTIC 'WOODEN SPOON'

BEFORE:
An oversized black plastic spoon, purchased recently in the hope of aiding my efforts to be a great chef and unique in the kitchen. Basically, it's a plastic spoon for stirring things. It has everything offered by the traditional 'wooden spoon' but has the advantage of being plastic - super hygenic, easy to clean, and very swanky alongside all my other black plastic kitchenalia. After being used to prepare an aubergine curry, it was washed and carefully placed on a shelf under the sink.

AFTER:
Still swanky, and still fully functional, but now with two neat bite marks in the shiny plastic.

PACKET OF GREEN TEA

BEFORE:
500g. packet of dried green tea - the kind that resembles little bits of bark. Unopened.

AFTER:
Small pieces of plastic and a carpet of tea leaves spread over the total area of the living room (15 square foot), giving the floor a forest style chic look.